Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
