i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
