I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize