I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
