Your favorite bartender is back from prision
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
