dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
