i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
