Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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