Got a toothbrush?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
