I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
