Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
