I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
