Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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