the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
