Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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