I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have feelings that need drinking.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
