You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
