Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize