If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
