remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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