yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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