Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
