our cab driver is having phone sex.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
