I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
even my farts smell like vagina
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize