i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The Olympian is in my bed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
