My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
