Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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