So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize