I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
