a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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