my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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