Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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