a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
