Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
