I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
