we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
