at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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