I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
