My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
