I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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