Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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