...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
