i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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