Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
