drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
