Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
