Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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