I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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