My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
