Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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