I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
