he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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