you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
