i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
