I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
