I didn't shave. On purpose
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We left the knife in your bed.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
