okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
