He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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