I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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