Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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