He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
