I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
