I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
