I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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