I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
well I can't set my house on fire every night
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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