So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
