Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
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